2011 has brought many ups and downs, as do any other year. However, this year contained a great amount of drastic changes in my life.

Event #1 (and still on going I suppose): Losing my bestest friend, Arbie. I knew something was wrong before he even left to the mainland one year ago. I tried my best to contact him in every way I could, but no response. I cried to many and gave up several times on trying to fix our relationship. I have even deleted him out of my life at one point. He contacted me twice out of the entire year, but it just wasn't enough. Although I know that this relationship will no longer go back to how it was, I have gained some hope. I'm finally coming to some middle ground that keeps me sane and no longer depressed about the situation.

Event #2: Graduating from CUH. Oh was a great relief to graduate and just be done with school! I have been a hardworker ever since high school. I sacrificed a typical college life to finish on time and with honors. I barely keep in touch with my colleagues but I know they are doing well. It just shows I chose school over social life. But I made up time studying with a wonderful 3-week vacation in the mainland, where I went to California, Nevada, Oregon, Washington, and Canada!

Event #3: Starting my career. In the beginning, it was hard work setting up my classroom and planning for everything. It seems to be getting easier but it is only my first year of teaching and I can already feel myself lacking and inadequate. But I'll learn. There's some part of me that's telling me that I am in it for the long run and I will do great! I am so grateful for the friends and family who helped me clean and set up my classroom. They really helped lessen the load.

Event #4: 22nd Birthday on 11/11/11. It was a chill birthday with new and old friends. I enjoyed it :) But my birthday did make me think about my life, my accomplishments, my regrets. At the age of 22, what I have done that was so great? What could I have done to make my life better? And of course, where are the true friends in my life? I guess all I can do now is just keep moving forward.

Event #5: Finally serving on a retreat. I haven't served on a retreat since high school. I missed it so much and I'm blessed to finally serve. Although I may be busy and tired, I want to continue serving God as much as I can. Serving God fills a great big hole in my life and my heart...because of God, I have made peace with myself and others. I have laid my life in his hands and I trust he will guide me safely.

Because 2012 is on its way, here are my New Year's resolutions (assuming I keep to them):

1. Save money. Let's say $3,000 by summer time for a new laptop and for new adventures.

2. Lose weight gained this year. I'll give myself by July (LEGACY time) to get in the 115-120lb range.

3. Stop biting nails. Seriously!

4. Serve on another Parish retreat and have a friend attend.

5. Build better friendships or build upon those already created. Need to find one good friend that I can be completely open to other than the boyfriend.

6. Completely clean out my room (and car perhaps).

7. Be a better teacher. Not sure how well I'm doing now but I know I can be better!

Wish me luck as I wish the rest of the world good luck on their new goals in life! God bless everyone!

Sometimes I feel that I am inadequate for my job. My friends seem to be doing such a great job and I have no idea what I am doing wrong. Maybe I'm not putting enough effort. Maybe I'm not mean enough. Maybe I'm not caring enough. Maybe I'm not motivating enough. Just maybe, I this isn't the career for me.

I know I cannot quit not, I mustn't give up and I won't. I just wish every day wasn't the same: scolding the students, wasting valuable instructional time, getting headaches, losing my voice, and having the constant feeling that I am forgetting something. There are just a few selected students that really push my buttons. The rest just need to learn how to calm down and focus. I need to refocus and find some intrinsic motivation to get me through the day... But most importantly, a hug would be greatly needed.

Alongside this, I miss my friend (of course). When do I not? It was just a week ago did I message the braddah man. But nothing. It's okay, I cannot expect anything right? I'm not important to him anymore, I mean nothing to him. I must accept that and just reflect on the great friendship we once had. I just finished looking through our old pictures together...man did we have an awesome time. We went through a lot together. I think the only thing I want for my birthday this year is a great, genuine chat with him. There's my wish and like a little girl, I'm crossing fingers for it to come true. *In between having hope and accepting reality*